I no longer feel overwhelmed and tired! I feel that I must be getting my second wind. It's possible that the counselor did help in reintroducing the idea of modifying our work schedule. Now that I know that my husband will be coming home earlier, like around dinner time, has eased my anxiety.
When I am work I really look forward to picking them up! Even though P has gotten very cranky lately. She barely talks at all too. I am a bit worried about her. E, on the other hand, is all smiles, and babbles constantly. She is very energetic.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Friday, January 16, 2009
Status Update
Update on the results of the counselor's suggestions:
The putting one twin in a playard while I only had to feed one of them didn't work out because they are both hungry at the same time! Plus, it would have the same problem as I had when feeding them as infants; feeding becomes a timesuck.
Keeping one by the car while I put one in the carseat. Its a hit or miss, but so far I either body block them or I just put them in the car and tell them not to go too far.
Some things that are working out are: Having a basket for 5 days of the week to keep a variety of toys, having them clean up their toys before they go to bed, having them carry their bag from the daycare to the car, letting them help empty the dishwasher, and doing other things so they feel they are part of the process and that they have more control over things.
We fired the counselor, she helped with basic parenting tips, but she certainly does not understand twin stress. I tied explaining the guilt part, but she downplayed it and gave some analogies that were way off.
The putting one twin in a playard while I only had to feed one of them didn't work out because they are both hungry at the same time! Plus, it would have the same problem as I had when feeding them as infants; feeding becomes a timesuck.
Keeping one by the car while I put one in the carseat. Its a hit or miss, but so far I either body block them or I just put them in the car and tell them not to go too far.
Some things that are working out are: Having a basket for 5 days of the week to keep a variety of toys, having them clean up their toys before they go to bed, having them carry their bag from the daycare to the car, letting them help empty the dishwasher, and doing other things so they feel they are part of the process and that they have more control over things.
We fired the counselor, she helped with basic parenting tips, but she certainly does not understand twin stress. I tied explaining the guilt part, but she downplayed it and gave some analogies that were way off.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Guilty on All counts
I think guilt is at the heart of multiple stress.
1. I feel guilty because I can't give my first born children the individual attention that they deserve.
2. I feel guilty because I am envious of all those singleton parents because they can.
3. I feel so envious to the point of hatred. I hate them for something they can't control which makes me feeling guilty for that.
4. At some points when I am most stressed I feel something that makes me feel the most guilty; I feel victimized.
Count 1 is the most encompassing of the guilty counts. It exists all the time. Very rarely can I give them 5 minutes of individual attention (which studies relatedto twins developing language later than singletons). I accept this as normal for twins and there is very little I can do without my husband home to handle the other one.
Count 2: I know there are some people who struggle trying to get just one baby and that they are envious of someone like me who gets 2 on the first try, but I don't compare myselves to them. I compare myself to other first time parents, and I envy/hate them because their life is sooo much easier (quote from other twin moms who had a singleton as well) and they have no idea what struggles they don't have to deal with.
I know each person's troubles are their own, so they feel like that they do feel stress so I don't belittle their perception of their struggles. I feel like they are belittling mine though, when people make flippant comments. You know the ones.."double trouble", "oh, you have your hands full"...It just doesn't imbue the gravity of the situation. I just might be sensitive of them right now, because the pain is all too real for me. My husband is objective about them so I made it clear to him that he should deal with all of those remarks/questions. Little remarks like those just put me on edge. It's the reason why multiple moms only stop to talk to other multiple moms and pretty much ignore the rest.
Which brings us to Count 3. I now have a first instinct to hate all singleton parents. Which causes me to isolate and hang back from connecting to the parents who show up at Gymboree. I see them focusing on their one child; helping them up the slides, helping them when they need them, encouraging them to do something. All of which I am unable to do; one is in one place while the other is somewhere else. As a twin mom, you encourage your twins to be apart from one another and do their own thing as much as possible so this is good/bad for them. It's good that they are doing their own thing, but bad because you can't back them up or instruct them safely in case they are doing something dangerous which is most of the time when they are learning to be toddlers (climb/slide/etc. ). I even see both parents there and when one is with the child, the other has the camera. Something my husband and I are very jealous of. Everything about them makes me jealous, which I turn into hate because there is nothing I can do about achieving the same luxuries that they have with their child. I'm sure the hatred will subside once this most stressful time passes which, I hear. is when they turn 3.
Count 4: This is something I think only multiple moms who have identicals might feel. Though I think moms who didn't go through fertility treatments might feel it too.
It is a very complicated process to create a baby, it's the closest thing to a true miracle that I can think of, and having more than 1 is even more miraculous. There is a genetic component that predispositions some to having twins, but so far the mystery for having identicals has not been solved. The probability for having identical twins is the same throughout every race and location; 3/1000. Very rare, so I have no idea why I would be so lucky to have them. Why me?
Why me? A blessing to be sure, but at times of stress; a curse? I know that twins are rare, I know that identical twins are even more rare case so I sometimes have the feelings that I am alone, that noone understands my struggles, and IT'S NOT FAIR! I didn't ask for multiples. At least those who did fertiility treatments did it on purpose; they have taken responsibility for their actions, so to speak. Not me, I didn't ask for additional struggle. WHY ME?
Why me? Science has no answer for me yet. It doesn't say that its because of something that I did, it doesn't have an answer. The ones who have a genetic disposition also have their answer as to why they are the lucky ones who get more than one baby, but not the ones who have identicals. I don't know why I'm one of the ones who get more than one baby at a time.
A times of stress, I look for the cause and right now I don't know the cause. I don't know why I have two instead of one. Did I break some kind of rule? Or did I play the game in a way that got me two? I don't know! So for now I just get frustrated and think; IT'S NOT FAIR. Why can't I do the things that other first time parents can for their child? Why can't I have the luxury on focusing on one? WHY ME?
This feeling doesn't last very long. It's like a needle prick; acute but fleeting pain.
I have a saying that I like to keep, "God doesn't give us more than we can handle." It has always helped me get hard things done and I keep it with me for this as well.
I don't know if God can help me with the guilt, but I know that I am guilty on all counts.
1. I feel guilty because I can't give my first born children the individual attention that they deserve.
2. I feel guilty because I am envious of all those singleton parents because they can.
3. I feel so envious to the point of hatred. I hate them for something they can't control which makes me feeling guilty for that.
4. At some points when I am most stressed I feel something that makes me feel the most guilty; I feel victimized.
Count 1 is the most encompassing of the guilty counts. It exists all the time. Very rarely can I give them 5 minutes of individual attention (which studies relatedto twins developing language later than singletons). I accept this as normal for twins and there is very little I can do without my husband home to handle the other one.
Count 2: I know there are some people who struggle trying to get just one baby and that they are envious of someone like me who gets 2 on the first try, but I don't compare myselves to them. I compare myself to other first time parents, and I envy/hate them because their life is sooo much easier (quote from other twin moms who had a singleton as well) and they have no idea what struggles they don't have to deal with.
I know each person's troubles are their own, so they feel like that they do feel stress so I don't belittle their perception of their struggles. I feel like they are belittling mine though, when people make flippant comments. You know the ones.."double trouble", "oh, you have your hands full"...It just doesn't imbue the gravity of the situation. I just might be sensitive of them right now, because the pain is all too real for me. My husband is objective about them so I made it clear to him that he should deal with all of those remarks/questions. Little remarks like those just put me on edge. It's the reason why multiple moms only stop to talk to other multiple moms and pretty much ignore the rest.
Which brings us to Count 3. I now have a first instinct to hate all singleton parents. Which causes me to isolate and hang back from connecting to the parents who show up at Gymboree. I see them focusing on their one child; helping them up the slides, helping them when they need them, encouraging them to do something. All of which I am unable to do; one is in one place while the other is somewhere else. As a twin mom, you encourage your twins to be apart from one another and do their own thing as much as possible so this is good/bad for them. It's good that they are doing their own thing, but bad because you can't back them up or instruct them safely in case they are doing something dangerous which is most of the time when they are learning to be toddlers (climb/slide/etc. ). I even see both parents there and when one is with the child, the other has the camera. Something my husband and I are very jealous of. Everything about them makes me jealous, which I turn into hate because there is nothing I can do about achieving the same luxuries that they have with their child. I'm sure the hatred will subside once this most stressful time passes which, I hear. is when they turn 3.
Count 4: This is something I think only multiple moms who have identicals might feel. Though I think moms who didn't go through fertility treatments might feel it too.
It is a very complicated process to create a baby, it's the closest thing to a true miracle that I can think of, and having more than 1 is even more miraculous. There is a genetic component that predispositions some to having twins, but so far the mystery for having identicals has not been solved. The probability for having identical twins is the same throughout every race and location; 3/1000. Very rare, so I have no idea why I would be so lucky to have them. Why me?
Why me? A blessing to be sure, but at times of stress; a curse? I know that twins are rare, I know that identical twins are even more rare case so I sometimes have the feelings that I am alone, that noone understands my struggles, and IT'S NOT FAIR! I didn't ask for multiples. At least those who did fertiility treatments did it on purpose; they have taken responsibility for their actions, so to speak. Not me, I didn't ask for additional struggle. WHY ME?
Why me? Science has no answer for me yet. It doesn't say that its because of something that I did, it doesn't have an answer. The ones who have a genetic disposition also have their answer as to why they are the lucky ones who get more than one baby, but not the ones who have identicals. I don't know why I'm one of the ones who get more than one baby at a time.
A times of stress, I look for the cause and right now I don't know the cause. I don't know why I have two instead of one. Did I break some kind of rule? Or did I play the game in a way that got me two? I don't know! So for now I just get frustrated and think; IT'S NOT FAIR. Why can't I do the things that other first time parents can for their child? Why can't I have the luxury on focusing on one? WHY ME?
This feeling doesn't last very long. It's like a needle prick; acute but fleeting pain.
I have a saying that I like to keep, "God doesn't give us more than we can handle." It has always helped me get hard things done and I keep it with me for this as well.
I don't know if God can help me with the guilt, but I know that I am guilty on all counts.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Breaking the Feeding Pattern
My husband and I meet with a counselor to deal with parenting stress. Her goal is make my day as stress free as possible. Before the holiday break, I was having issues with dinner time. I don't know why exactly, since the moment has not repeated itself in these past 2 weeks. I was trying to explain what exactly was causing the stress, but I couldn't. She was thinking that I was trying to have them do something (she offered and example of getting ready to go somewhere), but that's not it. I tried saying that its not what I'm doing to them, it's what they are doing to me. If you are a twin mom reading this, then I am sure you know what I mean. The counselor is not a twin mom so she didn't follow my thinking, but she did understand that I was feeling overwhelmed. She then proposed something that would never have occurred to me; seperating them at dinner time.
Seperating them during feeding time! From the moment they were born, it has proven that feeding them at the same time is the only way to go. Otherwise, you are left with no sleep at all and you'll be in an endless feeding cycle. Even after the feeding intervals space out to longer than 2 hours, it is easier to get them on the same feeding schedule. The thought of seperating them during feeding time is shocking.
The suggestion has merit and would allow me to accomplish two things; give one twin individual attention (specifically be able to focus on one baby while they figure out how to use utensils and not getting food on their hair), and give one twin a non-twin/individual experience. Things that really never happen, but is what all parents of multiple children (not just twins, triplets, etc) strive for. On rare occasions one twin will be asleep while the other one is awake and that is nice and simple.
Only one problem: how to occupy the other child while the other one is eating? She suggested putting one in a playyard with a toy or put on a DVD. We are wary about exposing them to TV, but we are willing to give it a try. I was thinking of just dumping a bunch of balls in the playyard and then throw it about, but that might make a mess. But they might enjoy putting the balls away. We'll see...
Seperating them during feeding time! From the moment they were born, it has proven that feeding them at the same time is the only way to go. Otherwise, you are left with no sleep at all and you'll be in an endless feeding cycle. Even after the feeding intervals space out to longer than 2 hours, it is easier to get them on the same feeding schedule. The thought of seperating them during feeding time is shocking.
The suggestion has merit and would allow me to accomplish two things; give one twin individual attention (specifically be able to focus on one baby while they figure out how to use utensils and not getting food on their hair), and give one twin a non-twin/individual experience. Things that really never happen, but is what all parents of multiple children (not just twins, triplets, etc) strive for. On rare occasions one twin will be asleep while the other one is awake and that is nice and simple.
Only one problem: how to occupy the other child while the other one is eating? She suggested putting one in a playyard with a toy or put on a DVD. We are wary about exposing them to TV, but we are willing to give it a try. I was thinking of just dumping a bunch of balls in the playyard and then throw it about, but that might make a mess. But they might enjoy putting the balls away. We'll see...
Monday, January 5, 2009
P the Moocher
Mooching has become an issue during cleanup/last bottle time. Cleanup time is where they put away their pots and pans in the play kitchen and put their toys in the basket before getting their bottle at the end of the day. E immediately begins cleaning up, while P hangs about and whines. Consequently, E does 99% of the work and then P still gets the bottle because we end up placing her down and handing her a toy to put away in the basket next to her. Not fair!
We just started this so hopefully enforcing it longer will let P get the hang of it. P has gotten the hang of helping put away dishes from the dishwasher so there is hope!
Friday, January 2, 2009
Phase 2 of Twin Parenting
My identical twin girls, P and E, are now 15 months old and I have held out on creating a blog until now. There is no question that the first year of parenting twins is TOUGH, and now I think I am entering the second phase of Twin Tough Parenting; Teaching them how to interact with you and others. The topic of which I find lacking on the internet. The Mother of Multiples club that I am in helps alot, but everyone's situation is still a little different. If anyone has tips, please let me know. So, I am posting this for my sake and others.
You know that iconic twin symbol of a mother with two toddlers in each hand pulling the mother every which way? Well, that was me a few weeks ago. I was leaving Gymboree and trying to get them to walk with me back to the car. (They were early walkers). After a bit of a struggle (it was really quite comical to onlookers) I kneeled and trapped them against me. I then pointed to where we were going and said that we going to the car and that the car was around the corner; All of which I am pretty sure they didn't understand, but at least I said it in a stern voice and helped me refocus on the goal as oppposed to focusing on containing them. I think that it helped focus them as well, since they both started walking in the right direction. One of them would get distracted and want to check out the newstand or something, but I kept talking to them and reminding them to "walk with Mommy" and encouraging them when they did a good job. I almost lost them when some people walked by and exclaimed the usual "are they twins?" comments, but I kept talking to them and just gave the people a nod. Ever since then, it's been all right. At least, to and from Gymboree. They still resist holding my hand most of them time.
My current problem is keeping one of them by the car while I take or put one of them in the carseat while the other one is waiting. One time, P stood by for a moment and then thought it would be fun to run around the parking lot! That was quite a fright! I used to keep the nonseated one in the minivan, but then she climbed over stuff (they are very adept at moving at this age) and I had a hard time trying to get her out since she thought that we were playing. A leash for that particular situation would be good, but not for all others.
You know that iconic twin symbol of a mother with two toddlers in each hand pulling the mother every which way? Well, that was me a few weeks ago. I was leaving Gymboree and trying to get them to walk with me back to the car. (They were early walkers). After a bit of a struggle (it was really quite comical to onlookers) I kneeled and trapped them against me. I then pointed to where we were going and said that we going to the car and that the car was around the corner; All of which I am pretty sure they didn't understand, but at least I said it in a stern voice and helped me refocus on the goal as oppposed to focusing on containing them. I think that it helped focus them as well, since they both started walking in the right direction. One of them would get distracted and want to check out the newstand or something, but I kept talking to them and reminding them to "walk with Mommy" and encouraging them when they did a good job. I almost lost them when some people walked by and exclaimed the usual "are they twins?" comments, but I kept talking to them and just gave the people a nod. Ever since then, it's been all right. At least, to and from Gymboree. They still resist holding my hand most of them time.
My current problem is keeping one of them by the car while I take or put one of them in the carseat while the other one is waiting. One time, P stood by for a moment and then thought it would be fun to run around the parking lot! That was quite a fright! I used to keep the nonseated one in the minivan, but then she climbed over stuff (they are very adept at moving at this age) and I had a hard time trying to get her out since she thought that we were playing. A leash for that particular situation would be good, but not for all others.
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