Guilty on All counts

I think guilt is at the heart of multiple stress.

1. I feel guilty because I can't give my first born children the individual attention that they deserve.
2. I feel guilty because I am envious of all those singleton parents because they can.
3. I feel so envious to the point of hatred. I hate them for something they can't control which makes me feeling guilty for that.
4. At some points when I am most stressed I feel something that makes me feel the most guilty; I feel victimized.

Count 1 is the most encompassing of the guilty counts. It exists all the time. Very rarely can I give them 5 minutes of individual attention (which studies relatedto twins developing language later than singletons). I accept this as normal for twins and there is very little I can do without my husband home to handle the other one.

Count 2: I know there are some people who struggle trying to get just one baby and that they are envious of someone like me who gets 2 on the first try, but I don't compare myselves to them. I compare myself to other first time parents, and I envy/hate them because their life is sooo much easier (quote from other twin moms who had a singleton as well) and they have no idea what struggles they don't have to deal with.

I know each person's troubles are their own, so they feel like that they do feel stress so I don't belittle their perception of their struggles. I feel like they are belittling mine though, when people make flippant comments. You know the ones.."double trouble", "oh, you have your hands full"...It just doesn't imbue the gravity of the situation. I just might be sensitive of them right now, because the pain is all too real for me. My husband is objective about them so I made it clear to him that he should deal with all of those remarks/questions. Little remarks like those just put me on edge. It's the reason why multiple moms only stop to talk to other multiple moms and pretty much ignore the rest.

Which brings us to Count 3. I now have a first instinct to hate all singleton parents. Which causes me to isolate and hang back from connecting to the parents who show up at Gymboree. I see them focusing on their one child; helping them up the slides, helping them when they need them, encouraging them to do something. All of which I am unable to do; one is in one place while the other is somewhere else. As a twin mom, you encourage your twins to be apart from one another and do their own thing as much as possible so this is good/bad for them. It's good that they are doing their own thing, but bad because you can't back them up or instruct them safely in case they are doing something dangerous which is most of the time when they are learning to be toddlers (climb/slide/etc. ). I even see both parents there and when one is with the child, the other has the camera. Something my husband and I are very jealous of. Everything about them makes me jealous, which I turn into hate because there is nothing I can do about achieving the same luxuries that they have with their child. I'm sure the hatred will subside once this most stressful time passes which, I hear. is when they turn 3.

Count 4: This is something I think only multiple moms who have identicals might feel. Though I think moms who didn't go through fertility treatments might feel it too.

It is a very complicated process to create a baby, it's the closest thing to a true miracle that I can think of, and having more than 1 is even more miraculous. There is a genetic component that predispositions some to having twins, but so far the mystery for having identicals has not been solved. The probability for having identical twins is the same throughout every race and location; 3/1000. Very rare, so I have no idea why I would be so lucky to have them. Why me?

Why me? A blessing to be sure, but at times of stress; a curse? I know that twins are rare, I know that identical twins are even more rare case so I sometimes have the feelings that I am alone, that noone understands my struggles, and IT'S NOT FAIR! I didn't ask for multiples. At least those who did fertiility treatments did it on purpose; they have taken responsibility for their actions, so to speak. Not me, I didn't ask for additional struggle. WHY ME?

Why me? Science has no answer for me yet. It doesn't say that its because of something that I did, it doesn't have an answer. The ones who have a genetic disposition also have their answer as to why they are the lucky ones who get more than one baby, but not the ones who have identicals. I don't know why I'm one of the ones who get more than one baby at a time.

A times of stress, I look for the cause and right now I don't know the cause. I don't know why I have two instead of one. Did I break some kind of rule? Or did I play the game in a way that got me two? I don't know! So for now I just get frustrated and think; IT'S NOT FAIR. Why can't I do the things that other first time parents can for their child? Why can't I have the luxury on focusing on one? WHY ME?

This feeling doesn't last very long. It's like a needle prick; acute but fleeting pain.

I have a saying that I like to keep, "God doesn't give us more than we can handle." It has always helped me get hard things done and I keep it with me for this as well.

I don't know if God can help me with the guilt, but I know that I am guilty on all counts.